The Rocket

Issue date: 2/16/07 Section: Opinion

Tony Maiocco

The world has changed quite a bit since the World Trade Center fell. Cameras are everywhere, you have to be careful about what you say and it takes hours to get onto an airplane. The federal government has taken every measure to make sure that we stay safe.

It never expected an attack by squirrels.

To explain, an airplane leaving Tokyo for Dallas had to make an emergency stop in Hawaii because a squirrel managed to get into the ceiling above the cockpit.

With all the restrictions and regulations dealing with air travel, I thought it was safe to fly again. I can't get a nail clipper past the metal detectors, and yet a squirrel is able to get a free flight.

Well he would have, but authorities had the squirrel killed in case he had "rabies."

I don't see why they even had to stop the plane. I would have just sent the air marshal up into the ceiling to quietly take care of the problem.

They're the most accurate marksmen in the world, and I'm sure it gets boring on those flights.

I think if an air marshal can take out a squirrel in the ceiling of a plane, he's more than competent to take out a group of terrorists in the seating areas. I don't have time for unscheduled landings; shoot the thing and keep flying.

The article never addressed whether it was a red or a grey squirrel that got on the plane. I know grey squirrels are a lot less violent than their red counterparts, and it might clear up some communication problems that we have with the two groups.

Homeland Security needs to address this issue before we have squirrel-wielding terrorist interfere with our flights.

I suggest an open season throughout the country on squirrels.

I was fine with the regular season until the little rodents thought they could mess with my freedom. We need to send a clear and direct message to the squirrel community that America will not tolerate threats like this.

I also recommend that anyone wishing to carry a squirrel on a plane have the proper concealed carry permits and that they are placed into storage until the end of the flight. It should also be required that any acorns or nuts be placed in a separate, locked case.

We could also issue a three-day waiting period on persons wishing to purchase a squirrel. This will give them time to cool down in case they wanted to use the squirrel for evil.

With so many squirrel sleeper cells throughout the country, I think it's obvious that we need to give up more of our freedoms for a little bit of safety. This scenario was quickly taken care of, but who knows what will happen next time?

When you're walking past Old Main and you see those furry little fascists scurrying from tree to tree, don't think that they're cute and mean you no harm. They hate America, and they're studying your every move, just waiting for their next attack.

Tony Maiocco is a senior communication major and a regular contributor to The Rocket.

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