Dating Faux Pas: What Not to Do
By Nicole Bartley
Rocket Rocket Copy Editor
Issue date: 2/13/09 Section: Focus
Tomorrow marks a date considered, aside from Christmas, to be the most loving day of the year: Valentine's Day. Some people enjoy giving a special gift, while others groan at the obligation to buy a box of chocolates, a necklace or fuzzy handcuffs. Then there are those who are single, either by choice, their own personal faults or bad luck. But sometimes misadventures in romance may have simply been the result of breaking certain unwritten rules of dating.
Somehow we're supposed to learn these rules during high school when most people go through the typical "high school drama," not to be confused with "college drama," which is usually of a concentrated form. Thus, I have created a general non-to-do list to warn any unsuspecting but well-meaning individual away from certain mistakes. The list has been compiled over the past year by interviews, observation and eavesdropping, because sometimes people should just be aware of what to beware.
- DO NOT write a letter after a break-up. Anything from a simple "I'm sorry" to a 28-page novella is grounds for immediate blacklisting from the dating community. It may seem like a good idea at the time, one that helps the ex-significant other to fully understand the impact of the situation… but it will leave the writer cringing from embarrassment in the future. It's best to avoid all written or typed mediums.
- DO NOT demand your things or gifts back. Gifts are permanent, unless they're your grandmother's antique wedding ring. If the ex-significant other did not return everything to you, do not go and stand on his or her porch, banging on the door and hollering for your missing things. It will result in a restraining order, so it's best to assume that everything was returned. If not, consider the items burned. Granted, I'm sure he or she wouldn't mind giving you a box of ashes to take home.
- DO NOT call your significant other every minute of every day that you aren't around him or her. Give a little space; the person does have a life outside of you. You'll mark yourself as obsessive and will only cause him or her to push away from you.
- DO NOT veil your language in any way. Your significant other probably doesn't have the greatest memory in the world and shouldn't have to consult a thesaurus for all possible meanings. Veiled words are generally confusing, so it's best to just come right out and say it. It saves future hassle when you use simple, direct terms.
- DO NOT use the phrase: It's not you, it's me. Mainstream culture has turned an objective and possibly sensitive statement into a form of lying and an easy-out. Even if you're able to explain yourself, the words come out as excuses and you just dig yourself deeper.
- DO NOT treat your first date like it's an interview. Training the spotlight on your unsuspecting date will probably lead to an abrupt and bad ending. When you ask too many questions, it makes you creepy. Save it for later. You don't want to spoil the discovery process, otherwise things become boring. Leave some room for surprise.
- DO NOT have sex on the first date. Not only does it stamp EASY in scarlet letters on your forehead, but it bases the entire relationship on sex instead of companionship. Just sex = friends with benefits.
- DO NOT expect friends with benefits to go beyond that. Some have successfully undertaken this as a means of comfort and trust, but most end in failure when one of the partners expects more than the other can provide. It's very hard for men and women to be "just friends" when they've crossed the physical line. Most attempts end in a quick break-up, the loss of a good friend and the splitting of groups, as people tend to gravitate toward certain friends.
- DO NOT date for rebound. It's dangerously close to using the person. While some rebound scenarios have evolved into genuine affection and a successful relationship, they are usually just short-term dating used to bounce back into the dating world, knowing that the person will not be around later.
- DO NOT remain in a relationship with someone who tries to change who you are. No one should ever change to be with someone or to maintain a "loving" relationship. If your significant other has altered you like a tailor alters a piece of cloth, cut them off. If your significant other doesn't like you for who you are, then he or she doesn't like you at all.
- DO NOT believe the relationship will always last. It causes people to fall into a comfort zone, thinking whatever they do won't matter because the relationship will last anyway. More often than not, it won't, and it will be your fault. Instead, take things one day at a time.
- DO NOT do things behind your significant other's back. You will be caught. It will break the trust between you, sending everything back to the beginning and tainting every little thing. The stress of proving yourself will always be too much to handle.
- DO NOT cheat. If you don't want to be with your significant other, then don't be. Do not double dip, you cannot have your cake and eat it too and you will always lie in the bed you made. Euphemisms aside, it is insulting, hurtful, just plain stupid and usually results in STDs. We've all seen the ever-growing chain of undulating people, and half of those were innocent recipients.
- DO NOT turn into the green-eyed monster. Yes, I'm talking about jealousy. Jealousy is a red flag in any relationship and always foretells of future problems. If you don't rein that monster, it will kill everything you've worked for.
Hopefully, this list helped to clear up a few matters. Things have evolved a bit from the cardboard or paper bag valentine mailboxes from elementary school, where we've all received those "Bee mine" cards with bumblebees on them. Valentine's Day requires a little more creativity, as does the actual dating process. No one should be unhappy simply because no one else taught those cardinal unwritten rules.
Nicole Bartley is a senior creative writing and journalism major and copy editor for The Rocket.
Somehow we're supposed to learn these rules during high school when most people go through the typical "high school drama," not to be confused with "college drama," which is usually of a concentrated form. Thus, I have created a general non-to-do list to warn any unsuspecting but well-meaning individual away from certain mistakes. The list has been compiled over the past year by interviews, observation and eavesdropping, because sometimes people should just be aware of what to beware.
- DO NOT write a letter after a break-up. Anything from a simple "I'm sorry" to a 28-page novella is grounds for immediate blacklisting from the dating community. It may seem like a good idea at the time, one that helps the ex-significant other to fully understand the impact of the situation… but it will leave the writer cringing from embarrassment in the future. It's best to avoid all written or typed mediums.
- DO NOT demand your things or gifts back. Gifts are permanent, unless they're your grandmother's antique wedding ring. If the ex-significant other did not return everything to you, do not go and stand on his or her porch, banging on the door and hollering for your missing things. It will result in a restraining order, so it's best to assume that everything was returned. If not, consider the items burned. Granted, I'm sure he or she wouldn't mind giving you a box of ashes to take home.
- DO NOT call your significant other every minute of every day that you aren't around him or her. Give a little space; the person does have a life outside of you. You'll mark yourself as obsessive and will only cause him or her to push away from you.
- DO NOT veil your language in any way. Your significant other probably doesn't have the greatest memory in the world and shouldn't have to consult a thesaurus for all possible meanings. Veiled words are generally confusing, so it's best to just come right out and say it. It saves future hassle when you use simple, direct terms.
- DO NOT use the phrase: It's not you, it's me. Mainstream culture has turned an objective and possibly sensitive statement into a form of lying and an easy-out. Even if you're able to explain yourself, the words come out as excuses and you just dig yourself deeper.
- DO NOT treat your first date like it's an interview. Training the spotlight on your unsuspecting date will probably lead to an abrupt and bad ending. When you ask too many questions, it makes you creepy. Save it for later. You don't want to spoil the discovery process, otherwise things become boring. Leave some room for surprise.
- DO NOT have sex on the first date. Not only does it stamp EASY in scarlet letters on your forehead, but it bases the entire relationship on sex instead of companionship. Just sex = friends with benefits.
- DO NOT expect friends with benefits to go beyond that. Some have successfully undertaken this as a means of comfort and trust, but most end in failure when one of the partners expects more than the other can provide. It's very hard for men and women to be "just friends" when they've crossed the physical line. Most attempts end in a quick break-up, the loss of a good friend and the splitting of groups, as people tend to gravitate toward certain friends.
- DO NOT date for rebound. It's dangerously close to using the person. While some rebound scenarios have evolved into genuine affection and a successful relationship, they are usually just short-term dating used to bounce back into the dating world, knowing that the person will not be around later.
- DO NOT remain in a relationship with someone who tries to change who you are. No one should ever change to be with someone or to maintain a "loving" relationship. If your significant other has altered you like a tailor alters a piece of cloth, cut them off. If your significant other doesn't like you for who you are, then he or she doesn't like you at all.
- DO NOT believe the relationship will always last. It causes people to fall into a comfort zone, thinking whatever they do won't matter because the relationship will last anyway. More often than not, it won't, and it will be your fault. Instead, take things one day at a time.
- DO NOT do things behind your significant other's back. You will be caught. It will break the trust between you, sending everything back to the beginning and tainting every little thing. The stress of proving yourself will always be too much to handle.
- DO NOT cheat. If you don't want to be with your significant other, then don't be. Do not double dip, you cannot have your cake and eat it too and you will always lie in the bed you made. Euphemisms aside, it is insulting, hurtful, just plain stupid and usually results in STDs. We've all seen the ever-growing chain of undulating people, and half of those were innocent recipients.
- DO NOT turn into the green-eyed monster. Yes, I'm talking about jealousy. Jealousy is a red flag in any relationship and always foretells of future problems. If you don't rein that monster, it will kill everything you've worked for.
Hopefully, this list helped to clear up a few matters. Things have evolved a bit from the cardboard or paper bag valentine mailboxes from elementary school, where we've all received those "Bee mine" cards with bumblebees on them. Valentine's Day requires a little more creativity, as does the actual dating process. No one should be unhappy simply because no one else taught those cardinal unwritten rules.
Nicole Bartley is a senior creative writing and journalism major and copy editor for The Rocket.
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